what I don’t

In 1999 all of our plans went out the window. Life got in the way of our plans. There was nothing we could do about it. We all took our cue from E. His attitude was that everything was going to work out and there was no reason to worry. Just have faith in the Doctors and do as they said.. So we did..

But while he was having faith in Doctors  and focusing on staying alive.. I was figuring out how to pay bills, take care of the kids and manage the house. In retrospect I figure I got the easy end of the deal. Still can’t imagine how he had the nerve to walk into the hospital on the night of March 21, 2000.. But that is a different story written elsewhere. His stoicism got him through it all. But I was stressed. I mean really stressed.. Looking back, reading my journals, I dealt with it by managing the small details of our lives.. The ones I could control.. birthday parties, hockey practices and parent/teacher meetings. However, I could not cope with work.

I couldn’t even say the name of the company I worked for without breaking into tears. I had loved my job.. and I missed it but I couldn’t stand the thought of being there. I couldn’t cope with clients or their demands.. I was a mess.. So I couldn’t work.. Rightfully so the company wanted some proof that I was nuts and sent me to a psychiatrist…

Spent a couple of hours (really two hours at least) talking to the guy… and at the end of the day.. yup.. I was under stress and it was making me nuts.. I was definitely nuts.. ! Kids if you ever read this.. You were right.. I was nuts.. Double up those happy pills!

So I was reading the report from the psychiatrist the other day.. There it says very clearly, written in 2000. What would be ideal for her is to be living in a cabin on an island away from the world. Safe with a healthy E. The only man she ever trusted. Then and only then will she realize a life with no medication for stress.

Well here I am…drug free, trying  to avoid stress. and most days.. I succeed.on the beach

Just after his heart transplant at Thanksgiving dinner we went around the table saying what we were thankful for..

When it came time for E to say what he was thankful for he said

I am thankful for all that I have

and most of

what I don’t.

2 thoughts on “what I don’t

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